When Anger Hits Home

By Dr. Greg Smalley

For many people, women in particular, sharp words can set off a defensive reaction, even another round of battle…learn to listen beyond the sharp words….

In counseling hundreds of couples and families, I’ve observed that anger has many tragic consequences for marriages and families. Since angry people usually refuse closeness, anger creates distance, pushes us into darkness, and restricts and binds us, typing us in internal knots.

Wives and children who reside in angry and embittered homes become handcuffed and hobbled. They are prevented from discovering their full potential. Seeking their forgiveness is like releasing them from tight ropes that grip their lives and cut of life-giving circulation.

When your wife becomes angry with you it usually results in what I call a “closed spirit.” This is best illustrated by something that happened to my daughter, Taylor, when she was 19 months old. One day Taylor and I were playing in the backyard when she discovered some Sow bugs. She was so fascinated whenever she touched the bugs, and they rolled up into little balls. Since Taylor loves anything round, she kept flicking them and squealing “Ball. Ball!” After being distracted for a few minutes, I turned toward Taylor and was horrified at what I saw. She had a dozen bugs rolling around in her mouth. I quickly did the “finger sweep” and rushed her inside. When we reached mom, I knew that I would be in big trouble. Unfortunately, the only thing I could think to say was, “At least she got plenty of protein!”

In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.-Ephesians 4:25-26(NIV)

A CLOSED SPIRIT

You might be wondering what this story has to do with anger? In the same way the Sow bug has three distinct parts: a protective shell, body, and organs – God created every person with three interrelated parts as well: spirit, soul and body. The body is our physical makeup. The soul includes our mind, will and emotions. The spirit is the innermost being, like the conscience; it’s at this level that we have fellowship with one another.

In healthy families, individuals relate on all three levels. Everyone’s body language is communicating openness; they are free to speak, think, and feel – all of which communicates to the person’s spirit. And with many positive exchanges, relationships grow deeper in those three areas. However, family members can also offend each other’s spirit, causing them to close.

The Sow bugs illustrate what happens when a person is offended. Before Taylor started playing, the bugs were completely open and vulnerable. But when she started flicking them, they closed up into tight balls. In a similar way, when someone is offended, his spirit, soul and body closes as well.

After witnessing firsthand the devastation that anger can produce in a family or relationship, I’ve realized that there are four crucial attitudes that can drain even long-held anger from a person’s heart and life.

FOUR ATTITUDES TO UNTIE A PERSONS ANGER KNOTS:

1. Become soft and tender with the person. The first step is to become soft in your mind and spirit. Lower your voice and relax your facial expressions. This reflects honor and humility. As Proverbs 15:1 suggests, “A gentle answer turns away anger.”

2. Understand, as much as possible, what your wife has endured. It’s important to genuinely understand the pain your wife feels and how she has interpreted your offensive behavior. Ask for her interpretation of what occurred. [The goal is to listen and then understand what your mate is feeling.] Resist defending yourself, lecturing, or questioning why she did or didn’t do something.

3. Admit that your wife has been wounded and admit any wrong in provoking that hurt. The third step is to take ownership of your offensive behavior. A wife feels valuable when she hears you admit your mistake, and sees that you understand how she feels. Sometimes this is all it takes to open a closed spirit.

4. Seek forgiveness, and wait for a response. The final step is to give your wife the opportunity to respond to your confession. Ask if she could find it in her heart to forgive you. You’ll know true restoration has occurred when forgiveness is granted, and she allows you to touch her.

Anger restricts and binds us, typing us in internal knots. Forgiveness, on the other hand, sets us free from those bonds, untying the knots that hold us captive. The Lord Jesus gives us a powerful word picture of forgiveness in Luke 6:37, when He says, “Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” The word He uses for forgive in the original language literally means “to release fully, to unbind or to let go.”

What To Do If Your Wife Refuses To Forgive…

If you have followed these four steps and your wife refuses to forgive you, there are several possible reasons. Perhaps the offense was deeper than you realized or she wants to see your behavior change first. Whatever the reason, the best thing is to be patient. No matter how she responds, never drop the issue altogether simply because she isn’t ready to forgive you. Let the situation cool off for awhile, then come back and repeat the four steps.

For many people, women in particular, sharp words can set off a defensive reaction, even another round of battle. But men or women who are wise enough to untie the anger know in another’s heart will learn to listen beyond the sharp words to the hurt feelings behind the emotional outburst. Tension is in some of those knots. Untying them may release some of the negative feelings held in check. Your focus should be on untying the knots and releasing the anger even when it becomes uncomfortable for you.

As angry as you may be with your wife, can you forgive? Your next step to forgive will require great courage.

Reprinted with permission of HonorBound Magazine – Oct/Nov/Dec 2002